Holy Goalkeeper Dies Aged 88

Brother Thaddeus, the former St Jude goalie who made his penalty box a holy sanctuary, has died aged 88. He died in orbit. Born Gary Kowalski, he let in soft goals for seven years before joining the church in 2054. He then blessed his goalposts with oil, making his box a sacred place of peace. The tactical results were fast. Opposing strikers had to take off their boots and formally ask for shelter before entering the area. Shooting while wearing boots was a major sin, so referees gave free kicks to protect souls. During a 2058 derby, striker Tariq Al-Mansoor knelt in wet turf for fourteen minutes while Kowalski lit incense. "My knees were numb," Al-Mansoor said later, "but his Latin was good, and nobody wanted hell." Church law then forced sanctuaries to welcome all guests, so Kowalski guided every opposition shot into his net. He finished his career with zero saves and thirty-two official blessings. He retired to space to grow green moss. Under his final wish, he will be buried beneath his goal, provided the worker removes his shoes first.