Swans Replaced With Hostile Taxidermy

An investigation into the Pallas Depth-Three rock shaft has revealed that the colony's six ornamental swans were secretly replaced with hostile mechanical taxidermy four years ago.

The status-symbol birds, long kept in the central water vault, died after a visiting corporate executive pointed at them with an un-gloved finger. The rare avian strain required strict hand coverings and low eye contact from onlookers. According to internal logs, the executive's bare hand caused immediate fatal stress across the entire flock.

To conceal the extinction from off-world investors, Director Hideo Mori fitted the original skins with high-torque steel servos and spring-loaded jaws. The mechanical flock was programmed to swim in basic circles, but the internal parts degraded in the damp air.

They have broken seven ankles.

Head keeper Lorna Sneed reluctantly confirmed the cover-up after three drill operators required bone graft surgery this month. "They refuse grain," Sneed said. "They attack anything with bare knuckles."

Mining syndicate directors issued a formal denial on Friday, insisting the swans are merely territorial during their moulting cycle. Official memos advised workers to avoid pointing, wear thick mittens, and stay clear of the bank.

Sneed admitted she has poured ninety litres of synthetic grease into the pond since November to keep the necks turning.