Cheats Win Regatta By Rowing

A brawl erupted at the Vandorf Reach Regatta on Sunday after officials disqualified the winning crew for carrying wooden oars onto the water.

Security officers intervened when forty spectators jumped into the river mud to attack the crew of the Iron Gull. The vessel had completed the three-kilometre course in six minutes, defeating seven rival craft whose teams spent the race shouting at one another through brass megaphones.

Under colonial charter rules compiled during landfall, rowing is defined as an argument conducted while drifting downriver. Standard regattas permit no physical propulsion. Victory goes to the crew that generates the highest measured volume before passing the marker buoy.

"We spent eight months training our throats," said rival team captain Siobhan Kalu, whose neck was wrapped in ice packs. "Then these cowards dropped sticks in the water and glided past us without shouting a single word."

Race judges confiscated the oars. Police made no arrests.

Violence spread along the embankment after the chief umpire declared the last-place vessel the winner. That crew had spent four hours drifting into a reed bed while accusing each other of treason.

Umpires urged the crowd to clear the water. Three spectators are still clearing the water, which they are doing with plastic buckets.

The Iron Gull crew remains barricaded inside the boat shed. Police reported no physical injuries, though the noise metre logged the spectator riot at 112 decibels, officially awarding the mob second place.