Drillers Clump Together in Lift Shaft

A twelve-man drilling crew stuck together in the lift.

Anthropologists at Ida-24 Hollow found that the crew's heavy glottal slang had magnetised the iron-rich rock dust in their lungs. The rapid throat clicks of deep-vein dialect charge these inhaled particles, turning the driller's chest into a powerful magnet. When the men gathered in the steel lift, they snapped into a single solid clump.

They stayed stuck.

The crew was separated at four millimetres per second, which is the standard safety speed for unpeeling living tissue and was, during the 2880 border dispute, used to clear draft offices.

Linguist Aris Thorne explained that the magnetic bond is harmless unless the men continue to talk. 'If they speak while touching, the field doubles,' Thorne said. 'A simple morning greeting crushes ribs.'

The finding has alarmed local operators, who now face the prospect of silent shifts. If the miners cannot speak, they cannot warn each other of toxic gas leaks. However, management has already ordered throat-mutes for the next shift to protect the lift machinery.